But what about jealousy?


Most monos who find out I am polyam exclaim "I could never do that! I would get jealous!"
Well here is a spoiler for you: You can be polyam and deal with jealousy. Wanna know how I know this?  Cause I can be one jealous bitch sometimes. My brain is a real asshat.
I was told by an ex one time that I was bad at polyam because I get jealous. Kinda an asshole, weren't they? There is a reason they are an ex. Anyway, I digressed real fast there.
I am a big fan of imagery. I imagine my jealousy as a dragon. His name is Seymour. Seymour starts out small and will grow bigger and scarier the bigger
Meet Seymour! 
my jealousy gets. If I don't keep it in check, he weighs me down and even moving is a challenge. He makes me grouchy, hostile, and basically a yucky person. Why is that? Because jealousy tends to be based in fear. I am fucking terrified and I am just trying to survive.
Jealousy can make us act out irrationally. It can cause us to act and say things we do not mean. It can immobilize us with fear. It can be hard to breath and function. It fucks us and our relationships up big time if the jealousy is not kept in check.
So how do you keep your personal Seymour small and manageable? Great question and I am still trying to figure that one out. However, I have found a few things that help and maybe they will help you as well.

How not to lose your shit when you are jealous

1. Remember that jealousy is a NORMAL HUMAN EMOTION. You are not bad at polyam if you are feeling jealousy. It just means you are human. Congratulations

2. Try and drill down to the root of jealousy. Remember that jealousy is normally based in fear. What are you afraid of? For me, when my partner starts to show interest and perhaps start dating a new person, my brain immediately starts to tell myself they are going to leave me for this new shiny person who I am convinced are better than me. By being able to really drill down to the root of my fear, I can better communicate to my partner(s) how they can support me.

3. I focus on gratitude. That looks like remembering how fucking lucky I am that I get the time I get with my partner. I focus on how unique our relationship is to us and how it is irreplaceable.

4. Drink wine and write. I blog. I journal. I write facebook posts. I get the swirling emotions out of my body. Emotions can storm up in us. If we are not able to get them out of our bodies they will keep swirling and get worse until you accidentally hurricane your emotions on your partner(s). Yep, I have first had experience with this.

5. Sometimes jealousy can feel so over powering that you are not sure you will be able to get through it. I got your back, kitten. I have been there. It is a fucking awful feeling. It is in those moments that I remind myself that I have survived everything I have experienced thus far. I have 100% success rate at surviving. And you will survive this. And be a stronger person because of it.

6. Write down the evidence you have that proves your partner(s) love you. Get super detailed. Keep this list with you at all times. Read it when you start to struggle.

7. Have your partner(s) write you a letter outlining why they love YOU, why YOU are special, why they want to be in relationship with YOU. Keep this close and reread as often as you need.

8. When all else fails. I resort to using Byron Katie's The Work questions (see below and visit https://thework.com/ for more information on how to incorporate this practice into your life) . Byron Katie is an amazing person who has spent the last few years working with people to overcome their fears. She wrote a book. Get it and read it. I promise you, it is worth it.


Comments

  1. I found that jealousy is tied to insecurities as well. I guess how I’ve understood it in me is that fear is external—faith that something bad will happen. Insecurities are internal, and rattle my bones.

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